


Sleepers

by breatherepeat



Category: Bastille (Band), Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Awkwardness, Chance Meetings, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, Friendship, Introspection, M/M, Relationship Issues, Sexuality, Touring
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2020-12-16 07:47:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21032735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: A chance meeting on a train leads to a developing friendship years later.Discussions and situations over the years related to parallel experiences about love and relationships.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sleepers is the term for railroad ties.

2010

The train was his favourite way of travel. The warm rays of the sun coming through the windows, the vibrations of the wheels moving across the rails, and the hum of various conversations from the passengers filling the car. It was peaceful and comforting, and it stopped some of the chaos in his head.

Unfortunately, there are times where the train would need to stop to allow another train through or a cleanup crew to move something (hopefully not someone) covering the tracks.

His rucksack was on his lap, filled with two sets of clothes that needed to be washed, a drained mobile, and a tattered notebook filled with the thoughts that once filled his head. As the train came to a harsh stop, the rucksack fell to the ground and onto the feet of the teenager in front of him. 

The teenager with brown hair had been sat staring out the window when Dan had found his seat. His hair was shorter than his own and styled to the side, creating a long fringe that thankfully did not cover his eyes. Maybe he was not fully emo. He was dressed in black trousers and a grey jumper, with tattered shoes. His eyes were red, with dark circles under his eyes. He had not moved since Dan sat down, with the teenager blankly staring out the window at the passing countryside and not acknowledging he even knew Dan had sat next to him.

The train car was not fill but, as it were, it seemed like he was meant to sit next to him. 

“Sorry,” Dan reached down to retrieve his bag, with his own hair falling down from whatever heights it had reached that morning as he quickly ran his hand through it in a rush to make his train departure, “the train startled me.”

The teenager turned his eyes away from the window as if finally realizing someone was sat next to him. He did not smile or make any gesture that he acknowledged his apology, with his sad eyes drawn up to the mess that was likely Dan’s hair. 

Dan awkwardly dropped his own smile and brushed his hand through his hair in attempt to tame it. However, he likely just made it worse as the boy’s brown eyes left his hair and went to looking back out the window.

“We’re stopped.” The teenager said under his breath as he seemed somewhat surprised at the realization that the landscape was no longer moving.

“It just happened.” Dan answered the question the boy had in his voice. “Thus why I dropped my bag.”

The teenager moved his eyes away from the window and back to Dan, again seeming confused that someone else was talking to him. Dan got lost like that at times so he didn’t think too much of it but his awkwardness wouldn’t let him drop the conversation.

“Must be something on the tracks again. I was on a train once and there was a horse blocking the tracks. We had to wait for someone to move it.” Dan ran his hand through his hair again and sat back further in the seat as he fidgeted with the straps on his bag. “Never told us if it was alive or in pieces. Probably pieces because it took forever to move. At least we have the loo and refreshments. No need to panic and revert to cannibalism like being stuck on a ship. Or fearing impending death if on a plane.” 

The boy gave him the strangest look and Dan told himself to shut up.

“Sorry, we are not meant to speak of such things, right?” Dan laughed to himself and bit at the inside of his lip to stop himself from talking. It didn’t seem to work. He brushed his hand against his forehead and then back through his hair. “Lovely weather, innit?”

“It’s fine.” The boy said in a tone that sounded like he didn’t quite care much about the weather. His eyes moved to Dan’s fingers where they were tapping out a rhythm he had stuck in his head for the last few weeks. “You have good fingers.”

“Thanks?” Dan stopped the rhythm on his thighs and curled them up away from view. It was an awkward comment to make to someone but Dan had said worse to people over the years.

“My evil piano teacher told me that I did not have the right fingers.” The teenager brushed back some hair that was falling into his face as he looked up from Dan’s now curled up fingers. “She would like your fingers, is all.”

“Sounds like an awful cow?” Dan curled his arms across his stomach as he kept eye contact with the boy. “You play?”

“You would think that I would have stopped after that encouragement from a lady I was paying, but I like to punish myself.” The boy mimicked Dan’s movement and curled his arms around his stomach as well, with his hands covered up by the ends of his jumper as if to hide them from Dan’s view. “I play badly, but I still play. Just by ear now since I stopped paying her to teach me.”

“That is impressive. I play too, probably just as badly.” Dan looked down at his feet. “I’m actually trying to get a band together. Tried playing solo after my mum forced me to do something with my life. Right terrifying that was. First time I opened my mouth and nothing came out. I just sat there playing the keys, badly, and then rushed off stage. I was sick in the back alley. I hated her after that.”

“At least she cared enough to have you do something you enjoy.” The boy said with a tone that matched his sad eyes. “Mine said to get my arse to university or move out. I start law soon at Manchester University.”

“Just finished uni myself. Leeds. It is just as terrifying finishing as it was to start.”

“Yeah, my…mate said the same thing. There was loads of possibilities for university and then loads more afterward, but now it really matters. It is crushing to have all those options.”

“Exactly.” Dan nodded his head and looked around the train car. No one seemed to be moving or panicking yet, so he allowed his own nerves to calm themselves.

“Name is Dan.” The teenager broke the silence between them after a few minutes.

“How did you know?” Dan asked curious.

“My mum told me?” The teenager had the same look of confusion on his face as Dan felt. “Or likely my Nan because my parents were quite young then they had me. My grandma helped out with my formative years. And Winnie the Pooh, thus why I sound like a posh twat.”

“How did your mum know?” Dan ignored the Winnie the Pooh comment. His own voice had a posh tone to it as well, with others complimenting him on articulating his words.

“She came up with it. She had a different one for a girl.” The boy seemed put off that they were still talking about the name.

“Are we talking about the same thing?” Dan laughed. “My name is Dan. Daniel Smith, if I’m in trouble.”

The boy’s face broke out in laughter, with his high pitch laugh catching the attention of some of their fellow passengers.

“I’m so confused. What is going on? Is this one of those camera shows?” Dan watched as the boy continued to laugh until he got himself under control. When he finally settled, the heartbroken look was no longer on his face.

“My name is Dan as well. My family calls me Daniel, but not when I’m in trouble.” The boy wiped away some wetness from his eyes and sat back in his seat as the train started moving forward again. “Howell is my surname.”

“Fuck, what are the odds?” Dan laughed again.

“Fuck if I know.” Dan laughed back.

The rest of the train ride was uneventful, with the pair making brief conversation about the destinations. The younger Dan was going back home from a friend’s house and the older Dan was traveling back to London following a short writing trip in Manchester. The older Dan waved awkwardly at his stop, with the younger one giving the same wave back.

2014

“Hello.” Phil waved to the next group walking up to them. The day had been long and filled with nerves, each new person or group coming up to them potentially going to be the one that they messed up on and it was going to be all the talk for the next few weeks. They had not messed up too badly yet, but Phil figured his statistic lessons would tell him that he was closer in possibility every time something went right. Or maybe that was the large portion of his brain that make him panic at everyday situations like they were the end of times.

Four sets of “hellos” were answered back to him as the group came onto camera and then stopped. They were in a band and Phil had played them on the radio show before, as well as awkwardly met them in a tent at a music festival. He couldn’t remember all their names, but he thought maybe one of them was named Dan.

“Fuck.” The man with the tall hair said as he eyes moved from Phil to the man stood next to him. He was pointing at Dan and Phil followed his finger to see that Dan had a similar expression on his face. “How is it going mate?”

“It is you!” Dan pointed back, shocked at the man stood in front of him. Dan looked to Phil and then the rest of the group, realizing that no one knew what was happening right now. After their meeting at Reading, Dan thought that he had met him before but it didn't click at the time. “Daniel Smith if you are in trouble.”

“Daniel, even if you are not in trouble.” Dan laughed back at their inside joke. It had been four years since the day on the train, but it was a memorable encounter for how stupid it was for them both. 

“Dan?” Phil asked with concern.

“Yes.” Both answered back and shared a laugh as they were once again reminded of their first meeting.

“What did we miss?” Will asked in his deadpan tone as he looked to his bandmates and then back at the other interviewer that was just as tall as the other but not laughing.

“Oh, it is stupid. We know each other.” The taller Dan answered. “We both have the same name, you see. And he thought I knew his name but I was really just saying my own. You had to be there.”

“Wow, fuck.” Dan stood back and gave the other Dan a quick look over. He seemed taller now but he appeared to have the same face, the years only aging him with height. The sad teenage boy on the train that was so afraid of his future was interviewing him on one of the biggest media outlets in the country. “What are the odds?”

“Fuck if I know.” Dan shook his head in disbelief. “It worked out then? Getting a band.”

“I guess…law, wasn’t it, didn’t work out?” 

“Oh, that was horrible.” Dan felt the camera crew and producers eyes on him and he quickly got himself under control. “I will tell you later.”

The interview started, with an awkwardly embarrassing Would You Rather question asked.

“Congrats!” The taller Dan lowered his mic as he stood closer. “You made it.”

“I guess.” Dan smiled back, having to look up to catch his eyes. “Do you have your phone?”

“Yes, give me your number.” Dan waited for the other to put his number in and then waved them off as they moved on down the interview line.

“What the hell was that?” Phil asked quietly as Dan walked back toward him. “You know him?”

“Long story, bub.” Dan nodded. “I will tell you later.”

“How?” Phil asked again, not allowing the topic to drop yet. He was a bit upset that he didn’t know how Dan knew the other man. They met during the tent interview but they didn't really talk then.

“I was leaving your house and sad on a train. I always hated leaving you. He sat next to me and the train stopped, or something like that. We started talking and had an awkward moment when we both realized that he had the same name. I didn't remember when we did the tent interview because I was too anxious that day. No need to spray me or anything.”

“How did you remember that? And why didn’t you know that was him?” Phil asked still concerned.

“I don’t know, maybe because that feels like a lifetime ago and I never really looked at him before.” Dan shrugged as he watched the producers signal to them to get ready for the next interview. “We can talk about this at home. Honest, ask me anything. It was harmless.”

“I know.”

“When why are you reacting like this?”

“I don’t know.” Phil smiled at the next person and then went back into on camera mode.

Almost a month after their tecnically third encounter, Dan received a text from the other Dan.

_Sorry. Busy with tour and promotion and music and everything. It was mad seeing you again. Law didn’t work out then?_

_ **law was a disaster that almost ended me. wanted to stab myself in the face with all the torts and case law. the internet thing worked out though. We are on BBC Radio 1** _

_I know. I saw you working for them. Is we, you and that chap_?

** _Yes. Phil. Ironic fact, he was the boy I was crying about on the train_ **

_Damn, that was ages ago. You were what? 17? 18? 19?_

_ **I believe I was still 18 then, maybe 19. birthday is in June. we have been together since I was 18 though. It works, you know. Living and working together** _

_ _

_I do…the tall one, he is kinda mine...It is complicated_

_ **Really? Wow, what else do we have in common? Your birthday is not in June, is it?** _

_No, but July. Bastille day, thus the band name. Clearly I am a bit narcissistic_

_ **I talk about myself on the internet for money, I believe I win the narcissistic war** _

_I thought you did the radio gig?_

** _Side gig. Damn, I definitely win the pompous twat war. Yeah, BBC is my side hustle. Bow down to my crown_ **

_I will look you up_

_ **NO! no one needs to see that. Just remember me from the train and the radio gig** _

_Wow, I have so many to choose from. Maybe I will watch this one, Hello Internet?_

_ **Okay, I cannot continue this conversation. It was nice chatting with you. Have a nice life** _

_Wow, you were a baby! You look even younger than when I saw you on the train. You have one of those portraits in the attic faces_

** _Dorian gray? I have been accused before, but I just haven’t hit puberty yet_ **

_Must be nice, I feel like I aged ten years in the past four years with all this touring. Not that I would change a thing, but it would be nice to not have to shave as much_

** _We are thinking about going on tour. Not as big, obviously, but maybe around Europe_ **

_Piano?_

** _Oh, fuck no. Just talking about ourselves. People are fascinated for some reason_ **

_You have a lot of views on these videos. I like the one with public transport_

** _You are still watching them?!? I command you to stop_ **

_On a bus and bored. Kyle is asleep. It is harder for me to turn off my head_

** _Same. Phil can fall asleep like nothing, even when he is anxious. I stay up all night trying to solve the mysteries of the universe_ **

_It is kinda eerie how similar we are. You adopted or something? Do I need to ask my mum some questions?_

** _My grandma was adopted but so far no claims that I was. My brother and I look too much alike to be adopted. Must just be one of those things_ **

_Depression? Anxiety? Awkwardness? Self-deprecating?_

** _Check Check Check And, isn’t that a British thing?_ **

_Maybe. My mates seem to have it together though. They get anxious but not hiding behind the band singing with my back turned to the audience or getting sick before a big show. Or not being able to sleep because the damn voices won’t shut themselves up_

** _Same. I pace sometimes, but doesn’t do much but it gives me something to do. and mumble to myself. Makes me almost late sometimes_ **

_I’m always late too. Drives them all a bit mad_

_ **Damn, I should go. Phil is giving me the stink eye, which he thinks makes him look mean but really just makes him look even more adorable. Don’t forget my number. It is nice to talk to someone rather than just scream out into the void** _

_Go cuddle your man. I might go do the same. Text me anytime_


	2. Chapter 2

_ **i took a few minutes this morning and listened to your album. then i looked at the lyrics and listened to the album again...you alright, mate?** _

_ _

_English literature degree and a film geek. Most of them are written based on other people's stories. I am just drawn to the darker part of life, I guess. But, I'm fine. A bit depressed and anxious, but who isn't with all this madness in the world_

_ **i hear you. takes a toll on mental health. my therapist warned me to make sure i'm checking in with myself and engaging in activities that will stimulate positivity to counteract the effects. i need to censor myself at times on the internet though. opinions can wreck a career** _

_ _

_Therapist? You are brave. I had a PR training meeting that turned into a therapy session, but I don't know if I could emotionally sick on someone like that. It was enough to just have them try to dig into why I hate being the center of attention.  
_

_ **i am not brave. just it came to a point that i was so uncomfortable with myself that i needed to start working on myself. i couldn't have phil leave me because i couldn't get my shit together. started on an antidepressant to take some of the edge off. it works, i guess. phil is still with me so? how do you hate being the center of attention when you are the frontman for a band?  
** _

_ _

_I don't know. I like music. I love writing music and fucking around with it in the studio. I love performing music and getting that feedback from people that like it. Everyone likes to be liked. But, it is awkward to be up there and, I don't know, like I'm demanding attention or something. That is not me. But, at the same time, I don't know what I would be doing without this gig? Like, probably hating my life in a shop somewhere trying not to be fired before I could pay rent.  
_

_ **same. i hate talking about myself but my job is to talk about myself. but, i couldn't stand law any longer and i would hate to work at a office job. i am doing a job that didn't even exist when i was a kid thinking about my future. i wanted to go into entertainment and did theatre...but that was a bit "gay" so i dropped out and started hanging out with emo kids** _

_ _

_I did choir for a bit. My cousin was the "rockstar" in the family and it was amazing to watch him perform, but I didn't know I would go into this. I thought I wanted to be a film journalist, but that is a bit pompous twatish. The music wouldn't leave me alone so I started writing it down. Started messing with it on my laptop. Mum told me to do something with it. It was too lonely to do alone. Too many eyes on me at once. I got Woody, and Will, and then Kyle. We were just messing around in the beginning. It wasn't supposed to be all...this_

_ **same. i started making an online presence because i was lonely and there was this fit nerd on the internet that made videos in his bedroom. he, phil, encouraged me to make my own videos and i seriously would have done anything he asked me to do at the time because i wanted his attention so bad. that dumb introduction video led to all this. but, hey, i got the guy. *wink*** _

_ _

_That is cute. You two are cute together. I watched some of your joint videos the other day. Bored on the bus. We had a 2.3 second break and now we are back at it. Hopefully, a new album is in the mix. It is weird writing it with the thing between me and Kyle. It is so dangerous to mess with someone in the band...but it is so good at the same time_

_ **i hear you. we don't talk about our relationship because there have been so many bad examples of people sharing too much and then it didn't work out. we always wanted to allow the option of still being able to make videos even if it all went to hell. and it was nice to not have them in our ear to keep our focus on our relationship. TBH, if we broke up, i would be too gutted to make videos. seriously, would be a sad clown somewhere. or jump off the london bridge** _

_ _

_You alright, mate?_

_ **yes, just, no promises if he leaves me and i'm left to deal with myself on my own** _

_ _

_sounds like a therapy session, mate_

_ **or a song lyric? write my pain, just don't give me credit for it. you know something weird?** _

_ _

_what?_

_ **phil thinks i fancy you. i told him we are just mates, eerily similar mates, but mates. it is nice to hear that he still has insecurities about us. is that weird to say? anyway, i get lost in him leaving me so much that i never realize he would worry about me leaving him. which, never going to happen, but still** _

_ _

_Yeah, our drummer is teasing me right now about talking to you. Said that I am spending too much time on my phone. For the record, I don't fancy you. I mean, no offense or anything, but it would be too much like dating myself, and yuck_

_ **EXACTLY! just i don't know how to write good music and cannot get my hair to look even as remotely cool as yours** _

_ _

_Loads of magic and constant fidgeting and you too can have this stylish mop. You should have seen it back in the day. I had a literal bird nest on my head_

_ **mate, i saw it. on the train? it was massive. made you look interesting...or bleeding terrifying** _

_ _

_We just arrived at the next stop. Talk to you soon?_

_ **have fun and yes, soon**   
_


	3. Chapter 3

Being home was bizarre. He had gotten used to being on the road and constantly traveling. His body didn't seem to realize it was okay to not be moving or caught up in a project.

He liked to keep busy. He liked projects and throwing himself into something creative. He liked escaping his personal thoughts to focus on something else.

Being home felt isolating. Now he had to be with himself without the added distractions.

He caught up with all of his mates and family within the first few days. And then he sat staring at a TV screen in his flat with the silence surrounding him, slowly closing in and suffocating him. Everyone he knew was working their day jobs. He tried going to the cinema, but it was the same thing. The words coming from the screen were blurry and the visuals all too loud. Senses were jumbled and it was unsettling.

The studio was his distraction. Taking a break from music was not going to be an option. It gave his brain something to do. Something that was familiar and he had been finding comfort in for years, even before anyone else knew.

Sitting at the keyboard, his fingers started moving without him needing to direct them. He let the music come and started humming along until he turned it into words. The words strung themselves together and soon it was a melody and a story. A song. At least the beginning of a song.

He sat back for a minute and thought. Deciding to change something around, he went back and it came through in a different way that he found he quite liked.

Feeling someone's hands on his shoulders, Dan jumped backward into the body behind him.

"Sorry." Kyle squeezed Dan's shoulders while Dan centered himself. "I thought you would have heard me come in."

"No. I didn't." Dan leaned back into the touch and looked at the time of his wrist. He had been there for over eight hours and it was now late at night. "What are you doing here? We are on break. You know the rules."

"I got bored." Kyle smiled into Dan's hair as he leaned down further until the angle started to hurt his back. Running his one hand across Dan's back, Kyle sat so he was straddling the bench Dan was sitting on. "Hi."

"Hi." Dan smiled back as he turned slightly toward him. He looked better than he looked when he saw him last. It was a hard ending for everyone, with the stress of the road and traveling making them all look older than their true age. Kyle looked rested and young, like he did when they started this whole experiment. "You look well rested."

"And yet, you don't." Kyle's hand moved from Dan's back to his hand, moving his hand away from the keys and resting in Kyle's thigh. "Thought you were going to have a break from music?"

"Got bored of myself." Dan laughed. "Turns out, I'm right boring without music."

"Never." Kyle moved in closer, so that his chest was brushing against Dan's arm. "Too mental to be boring."

"Well, the voices in my head decided that they were sick of talking with one another, so here I am." Dan turned away from the pull he felt toward Kyle and looked down at the keyboard. "I sat down and it started without me. I like this one. It will not go on this album though. Too many songs already."

"Play it for me." Kyle watched as Dan's hands floated above the keys, miming the movements but not pressing down to make sound. The movements made Dan's elbow poke his ribs, but he didn't move back. Kyle found the pattern and started playing it higher up on the keys. "I like it."

"Why are you here?" Dan took his hands back and placed them in his own lap, his eyes following their path.

"Already said." Kyle lowered his head so it rested on Dan's shoulder, the top of his soft hair brushing along Dan's neck. "Figured we needed to talk."

"We are in London, mate." Dan fidgeted with his fingers, pulling at non-existing skin around his nails. The weight of Kyle's head on his shoulder felt good. It felt grounding. Familiar. "We are just strangers here."

"Unless we are in the studio." Kyle's hand slid down Dan's thigh and then back up to rest near his hip. "Then we are in a band together. Best mates. Just like the road."

"The rules say this is not the road." Dan took in a shallow breath. It hadn't been that long since they last were together but with his head swimming, it was nice to have a physical anchor. "And the studio is not for this."

Kyle didn't answer for a few minutes, content to just rest his head on Dan's shoulder and his hand on his thigh. Close, but not really doing anything.

"I missed you." Kyle finally answered the question, his leg having moved so his inner knee now rested against the outside of Dan's knee.

"You have her here." Dan said down to his hands and then stood quickly, needing to be away from him. He smelled good. Too good. "There are rules for a reason. She agreed to them. You agreed to them."

"Maybe I don't like that rule." Kyle sat up straight and tracked Dan's movement, watching him pace for a minute and then lean against the door frame. They were the only ones here. Mark was out of town and no one was scheduled to be here. Dan wasn't even scheduled to be here. But after trying his flat, Kyle knew where to find him. "It is a stupid rule."

"Your girlfriend would say otherwise." Dan kept his eyes down on his shoes, not reacting when Kyle stood to stand near him. His body blocked the soft light from the lamps in the room so that Dan could no longer see his own feet.

"She was the one that told me to come here." Kyle waited for Dan to look up and then he took another step closer, so he was standing directly in front of Dan. Resting his hands on Dan's hips, he leaned in even closer so that their foreheads were almost touching. "She said I was being annoying moping around the flat. Said if I missed you so much that it was interfering with my time with her, that I needed to go do something about it."

Dan gave in and reached forward to wrap his arms around Kyle's narrow waist, pulling him in the rest of the way so they were front to front, Kyle's head resting against the side of his own. Biting the inside of his lip, he closed his eyes and allowed Kyle's body to sink against his body. The pressure was nice.

Dan's eyes were wet and he didn't remember when he started crying, but he pulled Kyle in closer and allowed himself to have this. If she was fine with it, then Dan was as well. For now.

_ **how do you manage to sleep in this, this coffin?!?** _

_ _

_The short answer is that you don't. The longer answer involves alcohol and feet sticking out the curtains.  
_

_ **long boys were not meant to sleep in these things. we could have a bigger bus, with a bed!, but that won't work for our situation.** _

_ _

_How is the tour going? Enjoying life on the road?_

_ **it is so bizarre to see who is watching our videos. seriously thought we were going to have a bunch of young teenage girls spending their money, not that there is anything wrong with teenage girls being our only viewers, but we didn't realize how many people from all age groups watch us. it is a bit eye-opening** _

_ _

_ **and life on the road is nice, beside the coffin and the threat of the bus driver falling asleep at the wheel. i don't get outside much, half by choice half by necessity, so this has been nice. vitamin d is a real thing. it has been nice for mental health reasons. therapist is video chatting with me. it was very nice of him to agree to that...it is weird being out, yet not out. the tour administrators know but the crew does not. about me and phil. but it is still public and we have rules with no public places.  
** _

_ _

_I hear you. We don't advertise ourselves to others, but our touring crew is like a family, and even they don't know the whole story. Plus, Kyle's girlfriend comes out at times and that is just confusing for everyone if they knew.  
_

_ **Wait! GIRLFRIEND?!?!?! you didn't tell me about a girlfriend...how does that work?** _

_ _

_I said it was complicated. Well...there is a girlfriend. She knows. Kyle genuinely cares for her. She is a sweet lady and kind to him. Kyle didn't do anything until he talked to her first. She understands. Kyle is very fluid with his sexuality and she knew that when she started a relationship with him. He is on the road so much and she figured better with me than some random person that doesn't care about him. Not that he would cheat. Kyle would be literally ill if he hurt her. I'm rambling, sorry._

_ **That is a bit more than complicated. I thought you meant he was closeted or not ready to be public with it. Not a girlfriend. Whoa. How does that work with you?  
** _

_ _

_ **Sorry, that is massively personal. don't answer me** _

_ _

_No. It is nice to talk about it. I don't really talk to anyone about it. The crew family, again, would likely be confused and it is personal. My own family, they probably wouldn't understand. They are lovely people and they love me, but they are more traditional. I don't really talk about my personal life with anyone else. Mates back home, maybe, but most don't know...you know? That I'm, yeah_

_ **why is that word so hard, right? i don't use it either. i had it thrown at me too much i guess. lads at my school were vicious and, yeah, that is a different story. i hear you about not talking to anyone about this. i have random people on the internet that do not know me that i talk to at times. i have started a few reddit threads with questions, that is always fascinating. there are a lot of people with opinions. anyway...is she like, your girlfriend as well?** _

_ _

_No. Just Kyle's. I don't want one. There are rules we have. When he is on the road, he is with me but he can talk to her. It is not like they just stop being together. When we are home, or when she comes on the road with us, they are together and I step back. I obviously can still talk to him, but we go back to friends. We all speak up if something is bothering us. It works. It has been working...Kyle kinda broke a rule the other day.  
_

_We are home now. Taking a short break and starting to seriously lie down the new tracks. He came to me in the studio because he said he missed me. Sweet right, but against the rules. He said she told him to, but I don't know, it is leaving me uneasy. Like, if we start ignoring the rules, is this all going to fall apart? I really, really don't want it to fall apart_

_ **i couldn't imagine sharing phil with anyone. seriously, wouldn't even be fine saying we could try. it is a bit cavemanish, but he is mine. he is the one thing in my life that is right. he makes me like myself, somewhat, i've gotten better with myself with being with him. if he had that with someone else, eeek, no. i'm not violent and very pacifistic, but i might have to fight someone. just thinking about it right now makes me want to tether him to me. how do you share?  
** _

_ _

_It is hard to not get jealous. He can post pictures with her and go places with her without thinking twice. We cannot do that. The rules help frame it. When he is with me, he is with me. When he is with her, he is with her. But he comes back to me. And really, I get the better end of the deal because he is nearly always with me. I'm not the "side piece", she is, but really I guess I am. Just now, it feels like he is messing with the rules and what else might change? I don't know._

_ **talk to him. i have learned that over the years. talk, don't isolate. isolation just makes the problem seem bigger and it is harder to come back from. you might find he is worried about the same thing or he knows what to say to ease your mind. phil is good at that. he doesn't even know he is doing it half the time, but he always says the right thing. which is ironic, because the man has a way of talking without thinking about how it might sound. yes, he plays it up a bit, but he is exactly like that IRL. seems right that a daft idiot is my soulmate** _

_ _

_You guys are totally married. Wow. I know you must have some issues because you are human, but finding him so young..that is the things of folklore. I'll talk to him. Just so you know, I am chuffed that we are talking. I don't know who else I would talk to about these things.  
_

_ **same** _


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Write a story that is heavy on dialogue between two people with the same name....

Phil found Dan asleep on the sofa, his phone lying on his stomach and earphones still in his ears. It was early in the morning and Phil woke to use the toilet. He was surprised that Dan was not asleep next to him and went searching for him.

They had both been stressed with family issues and work opportunities. There was a real possibility now of going on world tour following the launch of the book and that all involved coordination. Plus, keeping up with their online presence and making videos. It was a dream job that allowed them to have most of the control over their opportunities, but it was still work. Work that not everyone understood and figured they were just messing around on the internet.

It had been awhile since Dan did not return to bed in the middle of the night so Phil figured he must of simply fell asleep somewhere.

The phone had turned itself off. Phil gently removed the earphones from Dan's ears and hesitated when Dan make a noise in his sleep. His breathing quickly went back to normal and Phil knew he was still asleep.

Going to place the phone on the table near their sofa, Phil stopped himself. He trusted Dan more than anyone outside of his immediate family, but he was curious. Dan had been texting a lot more than usual lately. He would go in spurts where he forgot anyone not in front of him existed and would typically alienated friends in the process.

Phil knew he had been texting "The Other Dan," as both preferred to call him, and that his Dan would tell him anything he wanted to know about the texts, but he there was still a part of his brain telling him to look for himself.

Unlocking the phone, Phil sat down in chair near the sofa. The battery was almost drained so he plugged in the phone and then sat back to find what Dan had been up to on the phone.

There was a playlist open with Bastille songs. Phil saw that Dan had been listening to them when he had fallen asleep. Dan had many playlists for various moods. It seemed he had not been listening to this playlist for long as it was recently made.

Closing out the app, Phil switched to his search history and found various inquires into the multitude of topics Dan found interesting. He was happy to find only a few that related to the band and, in particular, the vocalist.

Looking up toward Dan sleeping on the sofa, he debated with himself whether he wanted to continue to spy on Dan's behaviour. The voice in his head telling him to read the texts won out and he opened the message thread.

Scrolling to the beginning, Phil looked up once more before he drove in. Phil let out the breath he was holding seeing that the majority of the conversation was information Dan had already told him.

The two were eerily similar with their tastes in different areas. Both had a fascination with Kenye's music but realized that he was a bit mad. Both had a tendency to be late and forget to pack critical items. Both had a tendency to wear monochromatic clothing. Both found spiders appalling. All innocent conversation.

As Phil continued to read, he found the conversations turned to more serious topics. There was some talk about the political situations around the world and how it felt like the world was collectively losing its head. There was some talk about trying to find meaning in it all. Phil was a bit shocked that "The Other Dan" was a bit more pessimistic than his nihilistic boyfriend.

Soon he found their conversations about relationships and Phil smiled to himself reading Dan's praise for him. They had been madly in love with one another for years, but it still caught him off guard each time he stumbled upon Dan talking about him. Dan was sweet on him, but he also knew that he had flaws and Dan was willing to call him out on them.

And apparently, share them with his new friend. Phil was not upset. He knew about himself and he had grown comfortable being himself.

Phil was surprised to read about the unique situation "The Other Dan" had with his boyfriend having a girlfriend. Much like what his Dan wrote, he wouldn't be able to handle that situation.

Dan was his and no one else's. It was just a fact that he was not willing to explore in any way. Sharing him....was never going to be an option he would be comfortable with.

Phil smiled at Dan's advice to the other. To talk it out and not isolate himself away from the problem.

His Dan had worked hard on coming to that realization himself. He liked to bury issues and pretend like they did not bother him. Especially in the beginning of their relationship. Dan held on to so many things until they just exploded out of him all at once.

Phil was hurt hearing everything Dan found wrong with him all at once, but it was good for moving forward with their relationship. Dan thought Phil would leave him if he shared his true feelings. It helped Dan knowing that Phil knew and had no plans of leaving. Over the years, and with many therapy sessions and self-help searches, Dan had learned to not repress his thoughts and feelings. For the most part. There was still times he forgot he had evolved and would revert back to old habits.

Phil frowned as the read the last conversation the two had shared.

"The Other Dan" had shared his thoughts with Kyle and Kyle had shared that his girlfriend had a pregnancy scare. Which apparently opened a whole bag of issues that led to the two taking a pause in their relationship.

Kyle stated that if his girlfriend had been pregnant, he would want to be a father to the child. Dan asked how he would be involved once the child was born, and Kyle shared that his girlfriend would basically claim rights and want Kyle to end things with him.

Kyle apparently did not have the correct answer to the dilemma and the two decided on a pause to gather their thoughts.

And "The Other Dan" was in London working on the next album. Making the recording process more awkward because this time they were going to use everyone on the album. Phil was not sure what that meant, but apparently it was something that "The Other Dan" was stressing on.

Phil was reading Dan's suggestion to the dilemma when he heard Dan laughing. Looking up from the phone, Phil gave Dan a sheepish smile and waited to hear it.

"Just couldn't resist the temptation, could you?" Dan sat up and pushed his hair back. "Your mum is going to be disappointed in you."

"You are going to tell my mum on me?" Phil closed the phone and moved so he was straddling Dan's lap. The added weight made Dan sink back further into the sofa and Phil stumbled backward with him. Hearing a 'umph' noise, Phil ignored it and kissed him.

Dan allowed the kiss to continue, with his hands moving up the outside of Phil's thighs to rest on his back. Phil was pulled in a bit closer and the kiss was deepened. Morning breath be damned.

After a few minutes, Phil sat back and allowed them both to catch their breaths. Smiling at Dan, Phil pushed Dan's hair back from his face and slowly dragged his hands down until they rested on his lower jaw. 

"Are you feeling a certain way about me?" Dan loosened his grip on Phil's shirt and rested his hands on Phil's outer thighs. 

"I like what I read." Phil smiled down and moved his hips forward until Dan let out a low groan. "You have a friend that you tell secrets to about us. You trust yourself enough to talk about it to someone that knows who you are. He is not just some random on the internet. You are sharing how much you love me with someone. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks." Dan smiled as he looked down. He wasn't sure how Phil was going to take the information that he was talking so much to another man. It wasn't romantic at all, but Phil had been a bit jealous. If Dan knew allowing Phil to read the texts would have this response, he would have gave him his phone a while ago. "It feels big. I'm not anywhere near telling anyone else, but it was nice to not have that...that barrier between us? I guess that is the right word. I always have to watch what I say around others. People complaining about this and that about their relationships and I just sit in silence because what can I say without outing myself?"

"I'm going to ignore the fact that you essentially said you want to complain about me." Phil leaned forward and kissed his forehead. He kept his chin resting on the top of Dan's head and sat there in the moment. Both content to just be.

Kissing his forehead again, Phil sat back and waited for Dan to look up at him. Both likely looked a mess. It was early and neither of them were morning people. But it didn't matter. There was no one to impress around them.

"You should go hang out with him." Phil pulled at a raised piece of fabric on Dan's shirt. "He sounds like he could use the company now."

"No." Dan let out slowly as he shook his head.

"Why?"

"He is like properly famous." Dan looked up with wide eyes. "Not internet known, but on the radio and television known. They are not the ones that interview, they get interviewed. No. He doesn't want a peasant like me around."

"That is rubbish and you know it." Phil pulled at the fabric until it fell out of his fingers. "You two have been talking for ages. And a lot, from what I saw. He would love to see you in person and talk about these things. I'm sure of it."

"That is embarrassing. What do I say?" Dan laughed as he crossed his arms around his stomach, his elbows hitting the inside of Phil's legs. "Hey mate, want to hang out sometime?"

"Yes. That is exactly what you say." Phil laughed back as he swatted at Dan's chest.

"Sounds like a chat up line." Dan pushed back at Phil's hands that kept swatting him until they were both playing and Phil fell against him in defeat. "Think he will say yes?"

He said yes so quick that Dan didn't even have time to close out of the message thread before he was getting multiple messages asking what he wanted to do. They settled on meeting at the recording studio and take away. Dan was going to bring the take away on his way to the studio.

"Hello, mate!" Dan greeted him at the main door to the building. He was wearing a hat that covered most of his hair, glasses, a long dark sleeve shirt with roses on the sides, and a pair of dark jeans. He looked causal and very different from the last time he saw him in his smart suit. He looked like how he dressed himself actually. "Come in. It looks like you will be murdered here, but I promise almost everyone makes it out alive."

"Funny." Dan raised the bag in his hand with the take away. "Hungry?"

"Yes!" He stood back and allowed Dan to enter before shutting the door and leading the way through a dark series of hallways to what looked like a random room. "It isn't much. You can sit anywhere."

"It looks nothing like the radio station board. That thing was awful to learn. They kicked Phil off it after the first run through. He made dead air and the BBC does not mess with dead air." Dan laughed awkwardly as he stayed stood near an empty chair. "Phil's brain, bless him, just doesn't work that way."

"Yeah, we don't have BBC money." Dan sat in a chair that swirled and started moving things around to allow an open area for the food. Mark and him would typically eat on the go as well and Dan was used to making do with the small space. "I think my brain would short circuit if I had a proper board in front of me. Mark could handle it, but I am just self-taught on this machine."

"I'm not trying to be mean." Dan handed over the food and then stayed stood. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that it was trash in here."

"Relax. You didn't offend me. I have no delusions about this place." Dan gestured toward the chair. "My God, mate, sit! You are making me nervous hovering like that."

"Sorry." Dan sat quickly and almost lost his balance as the chair moved. He felt his face reddening and he wanted to make up an excuse to leave. He shouldn't have came. This was too weird. It was easier through a screen without a person in front of him.

"I understand." Dan watched as his face reddened and he noticed a small patch near his chin make itself known. "This is awkward right? I mean, us. Here together. Both awkward messes to begin with and then it is like we are getting to know each all over again. But not, because of the texts for the past few months. I'm holding it together but I get it."

"It is just, like, you are properly famous and I'm just this internet nerd that people happen to watch because they can relate to me. Or just want to have a proper laugh at. All my other friends, even the ones that are known from YouTube, they are all just people."

"What do you think I am? I'm just a person. Trust me. I'm not famous." Dan handed over what looked like the other man's order. "I fanboy over famous people. I'm not one of them. I use the Tube. I do the shopping when I'm home. I mean, look around, I'm not famous. I'm just like you. Someone people happen to enjoy listening to for some reason. I am just bidding my time until it all goes away."

"But...you are everywhere and you must see everyone." Dan sat with his food in his hands. "What do you care about talking with me? I am so far down on the list of interesting people you must know."

"Shut up." Dan laughed, blushing himself. "I might have done some things with this band, but I'm still that pudgy teen that doesn't believe why anyone would care about what I do. I feel like I woke up in the wrong life at times. What I do is so far removed from anything I thought I would be doing. Like, I have random freakouts about it, like, all the time. Too much of the time, really."

"It is just, you were the support band for Muse. Muse!" Dan's voice raised. "You know Matt Bellamy. Like, properly know him, probably sat around and ate with him. Why do you care about me?"

"One, I met him and opened for him, but I don't chat with him." Dan reached for a drink and handed one to the other man. 'We were done with the tour and I have not heard from him again. He is not a mate. He is just someone that I worked with at one time. I was shitting myself the whole time because it was surreal. We embarrassed ourselves multiple times around them. Their tour, what they do, nothing compared to our little show. Second, I like talking to you. You get it. Like, properly get it. You are a quote unquote normal person. I am a quote unquote normal person. End of."

"Okay, just..." Dan was cut off by the other.

"Shut up and eat would you? I'm peckish and I won't be able to eat if you just sit there like you are going to wee yourself at any moment. Trust me, I am the furthest thing from anything special. Fucking get over it."

Laughing, Dan nodded and started on his food. "Hm, cheese."

"Like cheese?"

"Phil doesn't. Therefore we don't eat it. Except pizza, but that is getting rarer. Therapist says I need to focus on healthy choices. Physical health is, get this, directly tied to mental health." Dan said sarcastically. "Seriously though, water is life, man."

"I have never met someone who doesn't like cheese. You sure about him?" Dan took a big bite of the pasta and swallowed before he continued. "What else does this therapist have to say? About the mental health part."

"Exercise. Go outside more. Vitamins to supplement, but mainly eat healthy foods." Dan took a drink of the wine. "Limit alcohol."

"I go a bit mental on stage to get out the nervous energy. That seems to help at times, but not always." Dan finished his drink and poured another. "Have you ever had time slow down? Like, everything around you, including yourself, is going in slow motion, but no one else seems to notice?"

"Nah. I've checked out before. Blanked until someone shouted at me, but never slowed down time."

"It is mainly on stage. I feel it my chest and it spreads to everywhere and then everything just slows down. The first time it happened, I figured everyone was going to ask what the hell happened, but no one said anything. The second time, I asked our sound guy and he said there wasn't anything unusual in my performance. I sang and moved around in time. Just my brain slowed everything down. Fucking mental. I figure it is a stress response. My brain and body just short circuit."

"That sounds scary." Dan pushed around his pasta, his stomach was reacting to the cheese and he knew he needed to stop eating. Drinking instead, Dan wondered what he would do if time slowed down for him. "I get that fluttering feeling in my chest though. Especially around new people or randomly when I'm walking around outside. I just think they are going to see right through me and know. Know that I'm..."

"Yeah. I don't talk about that stuff with new people. Especially interviewers." Dan covered his dish and put it back in the bag. He cleared the other man's as well. "I have a habit of steering the questions back to the interviewer or another person. So far, I have gotten away with saying nothing. I am just waiting for my cover to be blown and then all the questions will be that. I am not ready for that.That is the day that I decide to just stay in this room and give my music away to someone else. Someone more qualified to sing it."

"You are too modest. Honestly, your voice is great." Dan looked down to his lap and then around the room. "Would it be too embarrassing if you showed me how it works?"

"What? Sing for you?" Dan went to rub his forehead and was surprised that his hat was in the way. Taking it off, he brushed his hand through his hair and it went right back to its messy shape. "Seems a bit date-ish?"

"Sorry. No, of course not." Dan took out his phone to fidget with it, moving it back and forth in his hands. "Just how does...how does what is in your head get made into a song?"

Dan moved his chair closer to the machine and pressed a few buttons. He kept clicking on parts of the screen in front of him and then back to the machine. Soon, there was a few beats and different string sounds layered on top of one another. Dan added in a few more sounds and then sat back to allow it to play from the beginning.

"Damn." Dan moved closer to watch the screen play the music. "Just like that you are a superstar again and I'm just some peasant that should be bringing you food and leaving without making eye contact."

"Oh, shut up." Dan pushed his forearm against the other man's arm. "Play something. See how easy it is."

"You are mad? No. Not happening." Dan laughed and looked over with a frightened expression. "Not after that. Remember. The wrong fingers? No."

"Oh, fuck that old cow. She is probably dead by now anyway." Dan moved his chair out of the way and pulled the other man so he was in front of the machine. "Play something. I demand it from my peasant."

"Okay, that was a bit much." Dan laughed again but looked at the keyboard in front of him. It looked like a keyboard. He had been playing keyboards since he was young. "What should I do?"

"Play something. Anything. I will record it and then we can mess with it." Dan nodded and clicked something on the computer screen, clearing whatever was on the screen from before. "It will be a laugh. Promise."

"I only know songs I have memorized. Classical mainly. Some pop songs."

"Perfect! Fucking around with other people's music is what I like best." Dan leaned his head forward toward the keyboard. "Go on."

"I don't like this pressure right now." Dan kidded yet raised his hands to the keyboard. Playing three notes, he stopped himself and tried again. Surprising himself, he remembered most of it and smiled to himself until it reached the part of the song that he didn't know yet. "Was that okay?"

"Let's see." Dan clicked on the screen and the music came back through. Dan moved around with the sound, allowing it to move through him. "Wicked. Now, let's fuck around with it."

They continued to mess with the song until Dan's phone started to ring. No one called him besides his grandmother and Phil. Knowing that it was too late for his grandmother, Dan answered the phone saying, "Five more minutes. I don't want to come home."

"Funny. Just checking on you. You haven't been gone this long in awhile." Phil paused. "I miss you."

"You are worried that I'm here sexing him up. Admit it." Dan laughed at the shocked expression on the other man's face.

"You are teasing him, aren't you?"

"Maybe." Dan acted like he was being scolded to allow the joke to play out. "Sorry."

"Stop teasing your friends."

"Yes, mum." To which Dan saw the other man's eyes widen even more.

"Ew."

"My mum is not ew. I'll be home soon. Go to bed." Dan turned away from the other, whispering into the phone.

"I can't sleep without you here."

"Bullshit. You just want to know what we got up to. Your idea for me to come here, remember?"

"Bye, rat."

"He doesn't really think that, does he?" Dan swirled in his chair and brushed back his hair. "I mean, he can't honestly think that we are doing anything?"

"Nah. I was just messing. He said he is proud of me for having this with you." Dan blushed again, not realizing he was going to say all this. "Damn, that is embarrassing. But, really, he likes that I am opening up to someone. An IRL person. Said it shows growth or some shit. He thinks he is my therapist at times. Which, he probably is, but that would be wrong. Okay, I embarrassed myself enough. I will shut up now."

"Well, I don't have a therapist, or a Phil, but I'm proud of me as well." Dan pulled at his shirt as he looked down. "I don't talk about this and that is not healthy. And with, you know, Kyle being with her right now, I might need to talk about it. I have mates, but none of them are..that stupid word I cannot say. I'm waffling. I'm done. Thank you for being my friend and talking to me. And all that cheesy shit."

"Ah. Thanks for being my friend too." Dan said taking the piss.


	5. Chapter 5

2018

_ **I have decided that i am going to come out to the world...and maybe my family...i just dont know when...it needs to happen, like, it is ridiculous, it needs to happen...it will happen…** _

_You are brave. Something prompting you to make this decision?_

** _I just cannot live like this anymore. I feel like im always waiting for something to happen, someone to out me and i just cannot anymore. Like, i feel ill thinking about not telling my family. I feel guilty that my family doesnt know and im practically a son to phil’s parents. I love him so much and i am hiding it from my family. And why? Because i think they are going to punish me? Should their happiness be more important than mine? I want to bring him to my mom and tell her how much i love him...and that i want to marry him and spend forever with him. Do straights deal with this anxiety?_ **

_Don’t know, mate. I never had anyone to bring home. I have no one now to bring home… But, be brave and take the chance. They might be weird about it at first but you are their son and they will still love you._

** _Sorry. Don’t mean to be that guy. The one complaining about my relationship when you don’t have anyone. Im sorry._ **

_ **But i will. I will be brave and tell them...i will, but by the end of this year, i will** _

** _Anything new with you? Anyone new with you?_ **

_Getting ready to release new album...maybe...I keep messing with it...it is a bit different than the others, so fucking weird to say that we have ‘others’. I hope people like it. It is a bit more personal. I switched out a few songs for others because they were too personal but I dunno, I might still release them as demos? Or maybe just scrap the whole thing and start over._

_I don’t have anyone at the moment. There was someone for like maybe two weeks but then he got bored of me not being there. Kyle and her are still going strong and I hate her. Like, I don’t hate anyone, not even the stupid idiots in school that were cruel, but I hate her. Or more the idea of her...it is not healthy. Funny thing, I can’t make myself hate Kyle. I tried. I really, really, really tried but dumb fuck, I still love him._

_And here I go, now I am ‘that guy’ just whining about his life_

** _You said you talked a few months ago about getting back together, but you never said what happened_ **

_She said she didn’t want to share. She was fine sharing before and now she is all ‘happy family’ dreaming and I don’t fit into that Christmas photo. Not that I was ever going to be in a Christmas photo but it is not fair. He...I dunno...maybe he just wants that ‘happy family’ dream as well_

_ **He loved you. I’m sure he still loves you. Maybe it will work out?** _

_Is this Phil? Did you steal Dan’s phone?_

_ **No, still me. Maybe just loving being in love right now and I am turning soft. I can be positive about things. Or I need things to work out for you two because it will mean things might work out for us** _

_Never heard you be this positive. Maybe need to meet up in person and you can share your secret with me. Not that I’m going to be in London until ...I don’t even know_

** _We are here for just a bit longer and then world fucking tour! Maybe another reason why i need to come out from this protective shell. Sick of lying to people. Think we will overlap?_ **

_Maybe, I’ll send you our schedule later. Getting ready for soundcheck and then interviews. Yea, cameras…_

“You would think that they would have the heating on considering this place is literally like the bloody arctic circle.” Kyle burst into the backroom complaining. He unzipped his bag and dug to the bottom to find a thicker hoody. He kept his other one on and put the second over the top. He looked like a bigger version of himself. Plopping himself down on the sofa next to Dan, he smiled, “Share your heat.”

“They said they would have it fixed soon.” Dan shut off his phone and put it in his pocket of his sweatshirt. He was only wearing one but enjoying the slight chill. It was keeping him awake. “We go to soundcheck soon. Maybe that will warm you up. Or at least your fingers.”

“Or…” Kyle moved over closer and rested his head on Dan’s shoulder. “We just cuddle up here and skip soundcheck. I checked earlier, there is still sound and I still know how to play. All good here.”

Dan closed his eyes at the closeness and leaned his head down to rest on top of Kyle’s head. Kyle’s girlfriend was not on tour and he could enjoy these moments with Kyle. It didn’t mean anything. They were still friends and friends could do this. At least that is what he liked to tell himself.

“Might have to check that the sound works here though.” Dan smiled into Kyle’s hair, it was soft against his face. It made him miss his own hair he just shaved off for a second but then he remembered how much work it was. “This place hasn’t gotten anything right yet.”

“But I’m finally warm here.” Kyle leaned further into Dan and, without thinking, moved his hand underneath Dan’s sweatshirt to warm up his hand. Realizing what he did, he paused and waited to see if Dan was going to say anything about it. Outside of tensing, he didn’t say anything, so he kept his hand there.

Kyle missed being this close to Dan. They hadn’t properly been together in years. They had one offs here and there but it was rare and nothing serious. Their previous arrangement from before was not part of his girlfriend’s plan and Kyle went along with it. It broke his heart but he saw a future with her and he wanted to keep that possibility. It was only when he was lonely on tour that he wondered why he chose her over him.

“Watch it.” Dan pulled Kyle’s hand off him when he moved it closer to his middle. His hand was getting dangerously close to doing something that Kyle would regret. On their rare occasions that they fell back into old habits, Kyle would ignore him for days and beat himself up. “Just mates, remember?”

Kyle raised his head and kept his hand on Dan’s waist, only outside the sweatshirt. Dan’s eyes were watching him and Kyle wanted to kiss him, so he did. He started slow, pressing his lips against Dan’s to see what reaction he would have. Dan sighed into the kiss and opened his mouth as he kissed back.

The kiss stayed soft and slow, with both licking into each other’s mouths without intention to increase it to anything more. They did this every now and then. Much more than they let themselves get carried away and go further than Kyle’s girlfriend knew.

Biting his lower lip, Kyle moaned and pulled himself away. He was getting hot and wondered if maybe the heating had kicked in.

“There is a man out there that-” Will stopped talking as he saw Kyle and Dan sitting on top of one another and staring at one another. They looked like they were ready to tear each other’s clothes off and both were just waiting for the other to make the first move. Will had seen this over the years.

One would get lonely or bored and seek the other out. If they went further, they had a few rough days following the hook up and then back to normal. Apparently Will needed to get ready for a few rough days.

“Nevermind.” Will closed the door behind him as he walked out.

“We should probably move away from one another.” Dan said as he stayed close. It was moments like this that he wished he was a person that did not care about people’s feelings and could just act on whatever he wanted. But Kyle's girlfriend was a person and she deserved better than Kyle sneaking behind her back. 

“I don’t want to.” Kyle moved in closer and kissed Dan again. It was more urgent than before, with his tongue moving into Dan’s mouth and his hands going underneath Dan’s sweatshirt and shirt.

Kyle knew it was wrong and he needed to stop himself but Dan felt too good underneath him. He missed being with him and it was getting harder to deny himself the feeling he got when he was with him.

Dan allowed the kiss to continue, kissing him back with just as much force before he realized what they were doing and how he hated himself even more after they gave in to this.

Moving his hands down, he took Kyle’s hands off him and stood up quickly to get some distance between them. He couldn’t think with Kyle so close and he would just give in unless he stopped it.

“Sorry.” Kyle smoothed down his trousers and took off his top layer hoody. It was too hot now for both of them. Sitting back into the sofa, he found his breath and looked toward Dan. He was pacing a bit back and forth, obviously having a fight inside his own head. Dan got like that at times and it killed Kyle knowing that he was the cause of it.

“We need to stop doing this.” Dan stopped mid-pace and hugged his arms across his chest. “It isn’t right and it isn’t fair. To anyone.”

“I know.” Kyle did know. He felt gutted each time they gave in and each time he had to stop himself from giving in. If he didn’t love her, it would be so easy to end it with her and just be with Dan. The decision was so clear years ago and now Kyle wondered if he made the right decision. “I will talk to her. See if she-”

“No.” Dan ran both of his hands over his shaved head and then hugged his arms around his chest again. “I don’t want that anymore. I just want you. All of you. If we start this again, it has to just be us. I don’t want to share.”

“Dan…” Kyle stood but was interrupted by the door opening. It was Dick and he looked stressed but he typically looked stressed during a show night.

“Seriously, not this shit again.” Dick shook his head at them. He knew as soon as he saw them that it wasn’t good. Bands break up for less reasons than what these two had going on and he was being selfish, but he liked his gig. “Sort out your shit and get on stage. There is an issue connecting to the power and if they don’t fix it in 30 minutes, I’m going to have to get angry. And then I’m going to start shouting at people and you don’t want my wrath right now.”

Dick was like their tour father and no one liked his wrath. It came from love but it always felt bad being shouted at when you were a grown adult.

Dan nodded his answer and ran his hand across his head again. Kyle told him they would be out soon.

“Dan, I will think about it.” Kyle said after the door was shut again. Dan was digging through his own bag for his charger and didn’t acknowledge him. Kyle waited until after Dan plugged in phone in and tried again. “Dan. Please.”

“I can’t.” Dan shook his head and hated that he felt wetness in his eyes. He hated crying. “I really can’t anymore. I start these stupid relationships with people and no one...no one is you.”

“Dan…” Kyle took a step closer but Dan moved further back.

“No.” Dan walked toward the door and waited until his back was turned before he wiped at his eyes. “All or nothing. No more in between.”

“What does that mean?” Kyle started after Dan and stopped him with a hand before he could open the door. “Like, no more band all or nothing?”

“Maybe.” Dan shrugged his shoulders. He could do other things. He had the record label and studio. He had multiple songwriting contacts now and some people he trusted to write with. The third album could be the last and he could fade into the shadows.

“Maybe?” Kyle pushed Dan back against the door and watched his face. He never said anything about not doing this anymore. They joked about it all going away but never about them ending it themselves. It was Kyle’s job and his life. Dan couldn’t just end it. “That is shit and you know it. Don’t put this on me. Don’t put Woody’s and Will’s life on me.”

Dan closed his eyes and opened them to look at Kyle’s chest. It was too much to look at his face right now. He wasn’t trying to punish him and he wasn’t trying to be unfair. He just felt a bit off right now and kissing Kyle stirred up a mess of issues he needed to deal with.

Everyone would be okay if they stopped being a band. Kyle said it wasn’t fair to put that pressure on him but Dan had held that pressure for over seven years. Even since they seriously made a go of this, the weight of all of their careers had been on his shoulders. If he didn’t love the creative part of it so much, he would have buckled under the pressure years ago.

“Maybe three albums is enough. The trilogy I always hoped for and then we go our separate ways.” Dan continued to speak to Kyle’s chest. “Everyone could go home and be with their loved ones. And I will...just focus on being behind the scenes. Alone.”

“Dammit.” Kyle stepped closer, resting his hands underneath Dan’s jaw and raising his head so he could look at his eyes. “Don’t do this.”

“Don’t leave me alone.” Dan swallowed and kept his eyes on Kyle’s, pleading with him. “I’m tired of being alone. Always the one that is alone. You have her and I have no one. I just want you.”

Kyle saw the shield lower and the vulnerability cover Dan’s face. Dan looked lost and so sad. He would give anything to make it go away. Leaning down, he gave him a gentle kiss and lowered his hands to wrap around Dan’s back and hold him to his chest.

The door behind them shook with the strong fist of Dick knocking on it. Soon they heard Dick shouting through the door that if they didn’t get on the stage he was going to re-assign their jobs to the rest of the band. Dick was getting irrational and they knew they needed to get on stage soon before he started acting on his irrational statements.

Kyle kissed his forehead and they both wiped their eyes before opening the door and dealing with the wrath of their tour manager. It was welcomed after the uncomfortable moment in the room.


	6. Chapter 6

_She is here. She came here. She came here to see him. A surprise visit...I think she knows_

_ **His girlfriend is with you guys? She came on tour?** _

_ _

_She knows. She must. Why would she just show up?  
_

_ **Did Kyle say anything to her?** _

_ _

_I dunno. He didn't say...why is she here? She is looking at me odd. Like I did something to upset her.  
_

_ **Well...** _

_ _

_But she doesn't know that I told him to make a decision. She doesn't know that we...sometimes just give in to it. It has been, fuck ages since then. Maybe over a year? We kiss here and there, but that is nothing.  
_

_ **I dunno. Kissing is more intimate than loads of activities...especially the good ones that make your body just buzz and you just want to keep kissing until you just can't anymore...like you could literally consume them and your lips feel so...used...it is those kinds of kisses, right?** _

_ _

_Fuck...yes. _

_She must know. She knows that I have been snogging her man and she came to kill me. My will is at my parents' house, let them know_

_ **Where is Kyle?** _

_ _

_WITH HER! I haven't been able to talk to him alone. She is just there, next to him, always and making eyes at me_

_ **Are you looking at her? Maybe she can sense your fear. Stop looking back** _

_ _

_Eye contact is hard enough for me! Let alone a beautiful woman staring me down. No I'm not looking at her. I can feel her looking at me and it is unsettling._

_ **Is she really looking? Or is your mind just going a bit, shall we say, mad?** _

_ _

_I dunno. It feels like she is looking at me. She must know, right? Why else would she come now? She knows._

_ **People do that. People in relationships do that. Surprise people with visits. It is a normal thing to do. I wouldn't get so paranoid, which I know is very hypocritical coming from me** _

_ _

_I need to talk to him. Should I talk to him? Like, pull him aside and just talk?_

_No, that is stupid. She will know for sure then..._

_Why is she here?_

_ **Talk to him, do it. Get some answers** _

_ _

Phil walked into the room with their coffees. Phil's was likely 90% sugar and 10% coffee, but Dan had requested actual coffee.

Handing it to him, Phil sat across from him and put his feet on the table. "Your boyfriend still having woman problems?"

"As a matter of fact, yes." Dan joked back before his tone turned serious. "She surprised them on tour. No warning, per Dan. Now he is panicking and thinks that she knows. And that she is going to physically harm him. I think he is reading into it and letting his imagination get the better of him."

"It is like my Nan's soaps on the telly." Phil smiled into his sugary coffee. He had a proper coffee when he woke up but now it was mid-afternoon coffee time and he wanted the extra sugar before they had to go to the meet and greet. Everyone always brought so much energy with them and he wanted to be able to match it despite not sleeping much the night before. Their bunks were small and lonely. "And they always ended on a cliffhanger. Will the cheating boyfriend get what he deserves? Or will the jealous girlfriend murder the other man. Tune into the next episode of Life On Tour to find out."

"He isn't the other man...not really, I mean. They were together before her. Then ended it. Kyle started with her and they had an arrangement. Then she thought she was pregnant and Kyle ended it with Dan because he wanted to be there for the baby." Dan took a drink of his coffee and found Phil did well ordering. It had a bit of sweet in it, but the sweet was not overpowering. 

"My theory is that she was never pregnant, nor did she think she was pregnant." Phil took another drink and felt it move through him, adding warmth to his insides.

"What?" Dan looked up from his phone. The Other Dan had not texted him back and he wondered if he had took his advice and asked to talk to Kyle. "Why do you say that?"

"Think about it. She got him to herself. How could Dan compete with, 'I'm having your child'?"

"Now, that sounds like a story on one of those shows. People don't really do that, do they?"

"Yes. She probably got worried that Kyle was spending all his time with Dan. Didn't you say they are always away from home? She thought she was going to be eliminated and she used what she had, her uterus."

"Oh my, if that is true...well that is genius on her part but so evil."

Dan looked back to his phone and still didn't see a message. He wanted to share Phil's theory with him, but he also knew that Dan wouldn't take it well. And if it wasn't true, he would convince himself that it was. It was what Dan would do himself and he knew that The Other Dan had the some paranoid insecurities.

"Do you really think she would do that?" Dan put his phone in his pocket. He figured that Dan couldn't answer him now, but hopefully he would have a text later. Or he would text him and ask what happened.

"If I was sharing you with someone, and this is completely theoretical because never going to happen, and you were spending the majority of your time with them because of work, then yes. I would use whatever I had to keep you to myself. Especially if I felt you were losing interest in me. All is fair in love and war." Phil pushed his glasses up on his face and stretched his legs out. The sugar was working and he felt restless.

"Same. Never sharing you with anyone." Dan nodded his head and thought about what Phil said. He could see it as a possibility. It had been years since the pregnancy issue and, to Dan's knowledge, she still was not pregnant. "She won the war."

"Yes, she did." Phil stood and held his hand out for Dan. "Come do something with me. Now I have too much sugar in me."

"I thought there was never enough sugar in the world." Dan teased taking Phil's hand and being led by him out of the backroom where they had been waiting for a little over an hour. Management was busy getting meet and greet ready and crew was busy getting the stage together. They had little to do to fill the time.

"Don't remember every little thing I say." Phil smiled back and pushed Dan against the wall next to the door. Looking down the hallways in both directions, he found they were alone. Leaning in, he kissed him and licked into his mouth before pulling away and dragging him down the empty hallway.

"Why Philip, where might we be going?" Dan almost tripped over his feet as Phil pulled him along. Maybe Phil did have too much sugar. They were both way too uncoordinated to be moving at the speed Phil was making them walk. It would end in injury for sure. 

"I dunno. The roof? Somewhere." Phil said as he stopped near the stairs. Maybe the roof was not a bad idea. Dropping Dan's hand, with his other hand still holding his coffee, Phil found the door was open and he started in the up direction. "Maybe we could see the city from up there."

"Or get locked out and no one will know where we are." Dan started up the stairs behind Phil. He found he would follow Phil literally anywhere, even if it meant their demise. Plus, the view from behind showcased one of his favourite assets of Phil's body. "We don't have food and we will starve. Oh course, you will try to catch a pigeon to eat but they will be afraid of your big head and-"

Phil stopped Dan after he stepped up onto the landing at the top. Pushing him back against the wall, he kissed him again to shut him up. He only had one hand free but Dan was not protesting him pressed against the wall so he used it to hold onto his neck. Dan was kissing him back and sighing into his mouth. It had been a minute since they had alone time and, if they weren't needing to go meet loads of viewers soon, he would have entertained the idea of doing something else.

Dan moaned into the kiss as Phil deepened it. Phil's hand was on the back of his neck playing with the short hairs there and it added to the pleasant feeling of being this close to the man he had loved for years. It had been ages since they just kissed to kiss and it was turning into the kissing Dan had spoke about on the texts earlier. The type of kiss that made your body buzz and you just wanted to keep kissing until you couldn't breathe anymore. 

"This is nice." Phil moved in closer and pressed himself against Dan as he spoke in between kisses. He loved kissing Dan because he was so responsive back. Their kisses had changed over the years, from timid and somewhat uncoordinated to confident and passionate. If Phil could choose only one thing to do for the rest of time, it would be to kiss Dan just as they were moving against each other at the moment. 

"Dan? Phil?"

Phil pulled away from Dan's lips and smiled when he saw Dan follow him, not wanting to end the kiss just yet. It may have been years since their first kiss, but they never grew tired of kissing one another.

"Yes." Phil called down the stairs as Dan continued small kisses on his neck. Dan's free hand was holding onto one of the loops of his jeans, holding him in place as if he was preventing him from leaving. It melted Phil's heart how sweet Dan was at times. He could be a royal pain, but also so fucking sweet. Sweeter than his coffee he had forgotten was still in his other hand.

"I thought I saw you two head up there." The voice of their manager was getting closer as she walked up the stairs. "We need you for photos."

"Okay." Phil shouted down as he closed his eyes. Dan's lips were sucking right underneath his ear, a spot Dan knew would make him hard in seconds. But they didn't have the time and Dan would leave a mark if Phil didn't stop him. Lowering his voice so only Dan could hear, Phil pushed him back and said, "Later. So very much later. No marks."

"Next year," Dan kissed up Phil's neck, not caring that he was going to give their manager an eye full soon if she continued up the stairs, "when we are home and on our break, I'm going to mark you up so much. It will look like you were beaten."

"Sexy." Phil laughed as he allowed himself to savour one more kiss on his neck. Properly pushing Dan back with his a hand on his chest, Phil smiled. "Now, we need to go make that money and meet some lovely people."

"Never leave me for another woman." Dan's eyes found Phil's and his voice shook a bit in vulnerability. He knew that Phil would never, and had never even been interested in a woman before, but he needed to hear him say it. "Promise."

"Promise." Phil smiled back. Dan needed to hear he would never leave him at times and he was more than happy to reassure him. Even if it was something dumb like him leaving Dan for a woman. A woman? What would he do with one of those?

"This is high up." Their manager took a few deeper breaths as she tried to recover from the steps. "You two are sweet, but you have a job to do."

"Okay." Dan took Phil's hand with his free hand and started down the steps with him. His own coffee had kicked in when he was kissing Phil and they quickly bypassed her.

_He told her._

_He told her that he loves me and wants to be with me.  
_

_Only me.  
_

_He did it.  
_

_He loves me._

_Fuck, he did it.  
_

_She slapped him. Hard. He has a mark on his face. But she left afterward. She is gone now. He is with me.  
_

_Fuck. He is WITH me.  
_

_Sorry, you must be busy. I didn't know who else to share this with. :)_

_Sorry for annoying you. _

_He loves me..._


	7. Chapter 7

Dan was reading through his messages and found a few from the other Dan. The other had looked at their tour schedules and couldn’t find anything that matched up. Which was fine because Dan did not know how social he would be right then.

Kyle had ended it with his girlfriend and Kyle was officially with Dan.

Dan wasn’t naive to believe they would just fall right into it like before, but he was surprised how weird it felt.

He supposed that nothing really could be just like it was before because people grow and things change. They were more established as a band and Dan was more confident in that ‘this music thing’ might actually work out for them. They had a proper record studio now and finishing album number three.

But, in the back of his mind, he wondered if the studio space would work for their burrito shop if it all went to hell?

He just didn’t expect being with Kyle again to be so different.

He had Kyle to himself. There was no girlfriend back home or girlfriend that would show up in random countries and take Kyle away from him. And Dan was happy for it. It had worked before, sharing him, but now he doesn't want to even entertain the idea.

And Kyle appeared like he only wanted to be with Dan as well.

But something was off.

They hadn’t slept together yet. They really did not have the opportunity with the new promotion starting and the band figuring out how to play the new songs live.

Dan knew that if they really wanted to, they could have had sex by now. The ‘not having time’ was a rubbish excuse he was using.

Kyle would have made it happen by now if it weren’t for Dan.

Kyle had been more than willing to push Dan into vacant rooms and kiss him breathless. It was Dan that pushed him away saying that they needed to focus on work and that there were too many people around to do this proper.

Kyle had been patient. He knew that they were figuring out their relationship again and, as much as they wished they could just jump back into it, it was different.

But Kyle’s hands on Dan’s head still had the same calming effect.

Just different without hair. The short stubble on top of his head gave a pleasant tingle each time Kyle would rub his head.

It wasn’t quite the same when other people did it to him. His mates he was fine with if they wanted to tease him, but it had also gathered the attention of other people.

Apparently a shaved head is an open invitation to touch.

Dan did not have the same experience the last time it was shaved. He could go into the various reasons for that but he didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

Today alone, he had three people touch his head.

One was Coop taking the piss but the others were strangers from the local radio station that thought it would be fine to invade his personal space. He laughed it off and then turned red when the first one touched his head, but the second woman thought nothing of it to follow her coworker’s lead and touch his head as well.

Thus why when he put his phone away to focus back on his original task of arranging a song idea on his laptop in a backroom, he flinched away when he felt someone’s hand on his head.

Dan decided, as he swirled around to see the brave person that dared to touch him from behind without consent, that he was going to start wearing a cap again to stop people from touching him.

“Whoa.” Kyle’s rich voice filled the room as he raised his hands in surrender. “It’s just me.”

“You are the fourth person today. I thought everyone was talking about consent now days?” Dan rubbed his head across his head to soothe his irritation. He was definitely finding a cap as soon as he left his room. “When it is okay to just rub on another person?”

“I’m sorry.” Kyle folded his hands together and sat in an empty seat facing Dan. It was the second backstage room they had, with only a table and a few chairs provided. Someone had moved in Dan’s laptop and equipment earlier in the day. The rest of their rider items and crap from the bus was in the other room. “I’ll ask next time.”

“I don’t mean you.” Dan rubbed his forehead and then pulled his shirt out from a spot near his chest. Maybe he did mean him too. Maybe this was part of it being different this time. Maybe he didn’t want Kyle to touch him? But why? “Maybe I do want you to ask.”

“So are we finally going to talk about it?” Kyle kept his hands folded in his lap and sat back further in the chair. He was sitting at the edge of the table and it gave him a perfect view to watch Dan contemplate his question. Dan appeared to be lost in his head. He had noticed that Dan was pulling away from him and ending things before they got too intimate.

Kyle had ended the relationship with his girlfriend after hearing that Dan wanted him back. Over the years, they had continued to mess around here and there but he didn’t know that Dan wanted him back. Truly back. He stayed with his girlfriend because it was convenient and easy. Maybe too easy to be with her.

He loved her and likely would always love her. She was almost the mother of his child. A child that actually never was to be. But he wasn’t in love with her.

She was nice and very understanding of Kyle’s relationship with Dan. At least in the beginning, but then she got scared. She thought that Dan was going to take Kyle away from her permanently. Little did Kyle know that she would be right. Woman intuition or something to that effect. Because here Kyle sat with Dan and she was no longer in his life.

“I’m busy.” Dan dropped his hand from pulling at his shirt again and turned back to his laptop. He couldn’t remember what he was working on before Kyle had touched him. But Kyle didn’t know that so he was going to attempt to go back to it.

“Bullshit.” Kyle sighed and ran his hands through his hair in frustration. Dan could be so infuriating at times. “You will always be ‘busy’ if you want to be ‘busy.’ We need to talk about this. And soon.”

“Is that a threat? Or a warning?” Dan pulled at his shirt again and randomly opened a new tap on his computer. He could feel his heartbeat increasing with his respirations. Kyle was correct. They needed to talk. And Dan was avoiding talking. Damn Kyle for knowing him for so long.

“You know it is not.” Kyle leaned forward in his chair and rested his body weight on the table, so that he was closer to Dan yet not touching him because of the comment from earlier. “Please look at me.”

“What?” Dan felt his voice crack on the vowel as he looked over to see Kyle watching him intensely. Damn, those eyes and that face. And the man behind them. Dan never stopped loving him. Even years ago when Kyle was standing in front of him with tears in his eyes and telling him he made the choice to be with her. That he needed to step up and be a father to his future child.

And that Dan was not a part of that future.

It broke him. It literally broke him when Kyle ended it with him. He understood because the child didn’t need to be punished because Kyle loved someone else. But then the child never was and Kyle continued to stay with her.

And she said Kyle couldn’t be with Dan anymore.

Dan had his heart broken twice in his life. The first time was when Kyle ended it with him to be a father. The second was when Kyle choose her again following the fallout with the baby.

Dan broke a personal rule and put it into a song. He could no longer ignore the lyrics tormenting his brain.

_No love, my love_  
_She denies me_  
_My love, my love_

But now Kyle was sat in front of him and he had chosen him over her this time.

It was everything he had wanted for years.

And now he had it. Had him. And it wasn’t right.

It wasn’t the same.

“You are still cross with me.” Kyle knew he needed to be upfront with Dan. They had had two weeks to figure this out and Dan had avoided every conversation that Kyle tried to have with him.

He kissed him back when Kyle initiated it, but then he would push him away again. He said he loved him yet he wasn’t opening himself up to him. They needed to talk about this and Kyle needed to push it for it to happen. “Cross that I left you and then I choose her again. That I listened to her when she said I couldn’t be with you. Even though I was in love with you the whole time. She was scared and played on my insecurity about being with a man for the long term. About how my parents would react when I told them I might never give them biological child.”

“I’m not.” Dan shook his head even though he knew it was true. He was upset with him. He left and Dan was all alone again. He showed him how wonderful it could be and then he left him with a broken heart.

_Well it fucked me up when I fell for you_  
_I shouldn't have let me fall for you_

And Kyle stomped on it when he continued to stay with her despite her not being pregnant. But Dan couldn’t share that with Kyle because what if he left him again? He couldn’t have his heart broken by the same man for the third time.

He just couldn’t.

“Dammit, say it.” Kyle raised his voice but was mindful that the room was not likely soundproof. “Please, say it. Shout at me. Do something.”

Dan had never shouted at him. He had nodded his head when Kyle broke up with him telling him about his girlfriend being pregnant and how he needed to be a father. His eyes were wet and he looked scattered but he didn’t share it with Kyle.

Dan gave him space and when Kyle told him that she wasn’t pregnant but that he was staying with her, Dan actually cried and just walked away from him. Kyle tried to get him to talk to him, but Dan refused.

Everyone ignored Dan’s red eyes and haggard look for the next few months. Everyone didn’t put up a fuss when Dan begged them to stay out late with him. Because they all knew he was silently struggling with the end of the relationship but too stubborn and proud to talk about it.

He had been warned that fucking where you eat was dangerous and he couldn’t let the break up end the roll they were on.

After months of Kyle trying to get him to talk, Dan simply said that Kyle had made his choice and that Dan respected it. There was nothing more to speak about.

Dan put himself back together on the outside, but he carried his broken heart with him for years. He tried relationships here and there, but he wasn’t going to share his broken heart with anyone.

No one was going to hurt him again.

But there Kyle was in front of him begging him to talk about something he buried long ago. It wasn’t the time. The conversation was going to break him and he worked hard on putting himself back together. He had worked so hard and he couldn’t be broken again.

But if not now, then when?

“I can’t.” Dan’s voice was low and he could barely get it out. His heart was full on pounding and felt the pull to leave the room. He couldn’t talk about this right now with him. He needed to keep himself together for the gig and all the responsibility that went along with promoting the new album. “I…”

“Okay.” Kyle moved in closer and pulled Dan into a hug. He had pushed him too far and he needed to back off. Feeling Dan breathing against his shoulder, Kyle tightened his hands around Dan’s thin shirt on his back and rested his head on top of Dan’s. “Just breathe through it.”

They sat there for a few minutes just breathing together. Dan was about to speak when he heard his laptop make a loud sound as it turned itself off, startling them both. Dan moved his head back and wiped underneath his eyes with his palms. His face was red and, if he had hair, it would have been out of control by now.

“Fuck.” Dan ran his hand across his forehead and then his head. His heart and breathing had calm themselves but his mind was still racing. “I’m so angry with you. So fucking angry. I have to watch myself because I don’t want to do anything to make you end it again. I couldn’t...I love you so fucking much and if you leave again...I couldn’t take it.”

“I’m not going to leave again. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” Kyle waited for Dan to find his eyes before he continued. “I thought I was doing the right thing by being with her. I guess I thought I was doing what was expected. It hurt me to end it with you. It hurt me to hurt you. I always loved you. It killed me to see you so upset but I had a voice in my head telling me that I needed to let you go. I love her, but I don’t know if I was ever in love with her. And every time I was with you, it felt so right. I just needed time to see that I was meant to be with you.”

“I’m still angry.” Dan leaned his head against Kyle’s and tried to follow his breathing again. “But will you rub my head? Only you. No one else can do it.”

“I miss your mess but I quite like the short hairs as well.” Kyle smiled as Dan moved his head onto his shoulder as Kyle ran his hand through the short stubble. There was a patch on the side that was a bit longer than the rest and Kyle smiled to himself knowing that Dan had missed a spot again. Dan’s body responded to the touch and he heard Dan let out a long burst of air. “Feels good underneath my fingers.”

“I love you.” Dan kissed bare skin near his lips and made a needy noise at the sensation of Kyle’s fingers and his pulse underneath Dan’s mouth. Moving his head back, Dan found Kyle’s lips and kissed him. His hands moved underneath Kyle’s shirt and he pulled at the skin he found at his back until they were both standing.

Kyle moved his hands from Dan’s head to the back of his shirt and copied Dan’s movements. The door was shut and they still had some time before they were needed for soundcheck. Kicking away the chairs, Kyle walked Dan back until they reached a wall.

“Wait.” Dan felt Kyle’s hands at the bottom of his shirt attempting to pull it off. As much as he wanted to, he knew it wasn’t the time to have sex. Pushing back against Kyle’s hips, Dan turned his head to move away from Kyle’s mouth as he continued to try and kiss him. “Not here. Not like this. I don’t need, like, candles or anything but not here. Okay?”

“Maybe wank each other off?” Kyle smiled as he found Dan’s lips again. He had missed this, just touching and kissing Dan without the guilt that he was betraying his girlfriend’s wishes. Dan and him had done more than wank each other off over the years. When the need just became too great and both couldn’t ignore it anymore. But the guilt always followed. And now he was free of that and Dan was denying him. “I want you. Some way. Any way. Please?”

Dan didn’t answer but found Kyle’s lips again and moved his hands down to work on the closure of his jeans. After unbuttoning and zipping him, Dan slid his hand underneath Kyle’s pants and felt him jerk into his hand. Kyle’s lips wavered for a few seconds and then he was back sucking at Dan’s tongue. Dan squeezed his hand as he twisted it down and then back again, with Kyle filling more in his hand.

Kyle bit at Dan’s tongue or lip, he wasn’t sure, and felt himself go over the edge. It was quick, embarrassingly quick but it had been ages since he felt Dan against him. Panting into Dan’s mouth, Kyle soon found his breath and then kissed along Dan’s cheek as his hands moved down to return the favour. Before he could get to the zip, he was being pushed away with Dan’s clean hand and left to catch his balance before he hit the wall. “Where are you going?”

“To wash my hand and then soundcheck.” Dan said focusing on keeping his hand closed to cover the mess. His body was buzzing with a million different emotions and he found he needed to leave before his thoughts went too far. “You should clean yourself up and get out there as well.”

“Wait!” Kyle fixed his jeans and walked toward Dan’s retreating form, placing his hand on the door to keep Dan from opening it. “Don’t just leave me like that.”

Dan turned to face Kyle and bit underneath his lip. As much as he wanted to stay and go through everything once again with Kyle, they didn’t have the time. They had a job that they were incredibly lucky to get to do and he couldn’t let Kyle fuck it up. He had almost fucked it up before and Dan had to fight against every instinct to retreat into solitude the first time it happened. “We have soundcheck.”

“You are still upset with me?” Kyle let out his breath and stepped closer. “What was that then?”

“You said you wanted something so I did something.” Dan squeezed his messy hand and kept his eyes on Kyle. “I still love you but I need time. I need to sort this all out myself and then I will with you. I promise. Just give me time.”

“Are we together?” Kyle’s voice shook and he swallowed some of his nerves. That did not sound like Dan was working on being with him. It sounded like Dan was working on how to end it with him without getting his heart broken.

“Yes.” Dan moved to open the door and found that Kyle allowed him this time. Finding the nearest bathroom, he ignored the pounding he heard from the door behind him. It was either Kyle pounding his fist or his head, but Dan had a mission to wash his hand of what they had done and he couldn’t think about anything else at the moment.

_ **So you wank him off and then just left him in the room? That is a bit cold** _

_I gave him what he wanted and then I gave myself what I wanted. Space from him._

_ **That doesnt sound like you want to be with him. That sounds like you are breaking it off with him. Just you are the one in control this time** _

_Does it? Fuck. I don’t want to break it off with him. I love him. I’m in love with him. I want him, and as scary as this sounds, forever._

_ **Well, you better tell him that because he probably thinks you are fucking him around and then you are going to end it to show him how much he hurt you. At least that is what i would ahve thought after someone got back together with me and then left me after a quick wank** _

_He doesn’t think like that…maybe he does. He gets anxious as well, just about other things. Did I tell you he almost passed out a few times when he was playing because he was so nervous he forgot to breathe? Made me feel loads better about my own performance anxiety_

_ **Talk to him. Like properly talk to him. And not right before a gig or a show or anything you could use as an excuse to not talk. Make sure you have the time without a distraction to run off to and talk to him. Fucking shout at him and tell him how he made you feel like you were nothing when he ended it with you. Tell him how you literally had to find ways to cope again when he broke your heart the second time. About how you questioned even doing music anymore. And how you thought maybe you weren’t worthy of love. Everything. Lay it out there or it will just continue to eat at you, and your relationship with him, until it destroys itself** _

_Speaking from experience or just old age?_

** _Both. I have been going through a self journey of my own as you know and I have found that you cannot let this stuff fester inside you. It is toxic and it poisons you. Speak your truth and set yourself free. This is your life. Take control of it._ **

_Damn. You have been going through some shit_

_ **You have no idea.** _

_ **Maybe you do.** _

_ **I forget that we are like the same person, only not** _

_ **I’m slowly losing my mind though. It is creeping up all around me and I’m going to snap.** _

_ **Love my job. Love my life. Love Phil. But jesus christ what the fuck is wrong with me? I want to burrow down in a hole and just breathe there for a long time.** _

_I get it. 100% get it_

_ **Alright. Emotional crisis averted. Go schedule your talk with your man. I’m going to schedule myself time in my hole** _

_ **DO NOT READ IT LIKE THAT!** _

_Ha. No, I understand. :)_

_Thank you_

_ **Any fucking time** _


	8. Chapter 8

June 20, 2019

_Wow. I watched the whole 45 minutes of you bleeding your truth. You are brave._

Dan had sent the message a few days ago via text and he had yet to respond. Much like himself, the other Dan had a habit of reading a message and saving it to respond to later. And then never going back to it.

Dan stared at the message and wondered if he should text him again, or just let him have his space.

Maybe the whole ‘coming out to the world’ had backfired. The view count of the video was impressive when Dan watched it and it must be higher by now, but maybe there was something else keeping him from texting him back.

Not that he needed to text him back. It wasn’t like that. He was just sharing his support.

And maybe thinking about what it would mean to live his own truth.

But obviously, this was a sign and he needed to rethink his plan.

It wasn’t going to be anything massive like a 45 minute film documenting and chronicling the deepest parts of his past. No, not going there. Been there. Barely lived through it. Not going back.

But maybe something subtle. A message that said, if you are watching, you understand, but I don’t want to talk about it.

Or maybe that was stupid and he needed to just not do anything.

Dan looked down to his phone and tried to hide the yawn. He was in a meeting with the record label and they were trying to finalize the upcoming tour. The dates were set but there were bits and bobs that still needed sorting out.

Really, Dan did not need to be there but he was invited and he thought it would be rude to not go.

These types of meetings typically ventured away from the music and into who was getting paid for what.

Dan hated that aspect of the music world. Everyone wanted to know where the money was going to go and who was going to get credit for what.

That is why he preferred to write on his own and record on their own with only a handful of people. But, that had been changing with time as well.

Not that he was anything special, but a few people had been requesting to write with him and the band’s label said it would be good for exposure to branch out a bit.

There were many reasons why Dan did not write with anyone else that he really did not want to share with everyone, but at the end of the day, he sucked it up and it had been going well.

Maybe too well.

He had a writing session the other day with a new artist that wanted to finalize a few of their songs.

He was 27 and fit. Liked men and was not afraid to write about it. Like, actually write lyrics with male pronouns in the songs.

Dan was fine with the man expressing his sexual orientation. He believed everyone deserved to be happy and live their truth. If you are not hurting anyone else in the process, go and be happy.

That being said, it didn’t mean that he felt he needed to blast his truth to the world.

The world was getting more understanding of non-heteronormative relationships, but he didn’t know if he was quite there yet.

Kyle would have been fully out and proud last year if Dan had said okay. Kyle knew that Dan was more private and didn’t want to share, so he stayed quiet about it.

Kyle’s family and friends knew, and that was enough for him.

When they were not on the road, they spent time away from one another. It was healthy to have separate aspects of their lives that did not involve one another since they literally lived on top of one another. But when there were major family events, they went together.

“Dan.”

“What?” Dan turned off his phone and looked up to see four people staring back at him. Fuck, what did he miss. “Sorry, I blanked.”

“We asked how the writing session went with Liam. He is great, isn’t he?” The label executive asked. Liam was also their artist as well and they wanted a big push for him when he released his record.

“Yes. He was great.” Dan nodded his head and put his phone into his jacket pocket. It was a bright red jacket. Kyle had bought it for him because Dan wanted to add more colour into their wardrobe for the next record. The one that was recently released and doing fairly well. “People are going to love him.”

“Some more than others.” The man next to the executive said with a flip tone. Dan had not seen him before, or if he did, he couldn’t remember exactly what he did. “Hope to get a larger gay market with him. They love to throw their money around on fit blokes they can drool over.”

Dan pulled the jacket tighter around him and hoped that the meeting was almost over. Kyle and him had plans to sit at the empty recording studio, the one he owned, and watch a stupid movie. It was a neutral space without roommates and they needed some time alone.

“Dan.”

“Sorry.” Dan looked up and found the same set of eyes on him. Fuck, he was messing up this meeting and he wanted to leave. He especially wanted to be away from the bigoted man and his ideas of what gay people wanted. “Sorry, please continue.”

“Did you finish with him?” The record executive asked. “We hope to release music for him soon and he needs something more polished.”

“Yeah. He is great. Really didn’t need me, like at all.” Dan thought back to their session together and how he felt like he was just there to review the music rather than a true writing session.

They met at Liam’s apartment and spent two hours going through songs. Liam showed him the songs and Dan told him he was wicked. He did not need Dan’s help and Dan thought it was strange that the label had paired them together. Liam was ten times the song writer than Dan.

Liam flirted with him, but Dan was fairly sure that was just part of his charm. Liam would laugh and lean in closer to him when Dan gave him a compliment. The first time Liam brushed his hand across his forearm, Dan all but panicked. Was he flirting or was it just his personality? Did Liam know? Should he tell him about Kyle?

Liam found another song and Dan quickly learned that Liam was someone that liked to express themselves through touch. And he did not care if it was a man he was touching.

Liam had hugged him as he left his apartment and Dan was not going to lie, it felt nice. Liam had strong arms and he held him close enough that he could smell where he put his cologne.

“Excellent. We have a recording session booked for him. Could you help him through the actual recording process?” The executive asked. “He just needs an extra hand. From someone that has been through it.”

“We are in town for a few more weeks, so yes. Just email us.” Dan answered as he pointed toward himself and his manager sat next to him.

“That's going to be a problem?” His manager asked as they were leaving the building. She had her phone in her hand and was already emailing out information from the meeting.

“No.” Dan shook his head and jumped a bit when his phone vibrated in his pocket. Thankfully, she was busy looking at her own phone and she didn’t see Dan make a fool of himself. Not that she didn’t already know that he was a massive tool. “Just tell me what they say and make it work.”

They said their good-byes and Dan jumped on the bus to the studio. The text had been Kyle saying he was there and waiting for him.

Dan locked the doors behind him as he made his way to the backroom. Dan had requested a private room in the back for writing, and much like most of his private writing rooms on the road, it became Kyle and his safe haven from the world around them.

“Hiya.” Dan smiled as he saw Kyle sat on the floor in front of the sofa. The television was in front of it and paused on the opening credits. Lowering himself down, Dan sat on Kyle's thighs and kissed him before he could respond back.

Kyle did not need an excuse to kiss him and soon shirts were off and Kyle had his hands inside the back of Dan’s jeans.

“You're not thinking of that Liam guy, are you?” Kyle teased as he squeezed and pulled Dan in impossibly closer. “Not that I’m complaining or anything because you have been all over me since you met with him.”

“Fuck off.” Dan found Kyle’s lips again to make him stop talking. He had been feeling more into sex since their meeting, but it wasn’t to do with him. At least, not in that way.

“Because I looked up some pictures today and he is very fine.” Kyle pulled back to kiss down Dan’s throat. “Won’t mind meeting him myself.”

Dan moved back away from Kyle’s lips and pulled Kyle’s hands out of his jeans. “Why would you say that?”

“I’m just playing along.” Kyle smiled and then dropped it when Dan stood and reached for his shirt. “What? He is fit and you obviously thought so as well. What harm do we have in using it to our advantage? Last night, fuck, last night was probably the best we have ever been.”

Dan felt his phone vibrate as he took it out of his jacket pocket. Throwing the jacket onto the arm of the sofa, Dan opened his phone to see that Dan had texted him back.

_ **Wow, is right. I have been going through a lot since then. Mostly good, some not so good. Thank you. I appreciate that you watched it.** _

“Would you put your damn phone down and finished this conversation with me? Since you won’t finish fucking me?” Kyle pushed himself off the ground and put his shirt back on as well. His tone was pointed and he couldn’t help himself by adding, “Is it Liam?”

“No.” Dan abandoned his response and turned the phone off. It has a horrible habit that all of them had, but Dan was likely the worst. He had been working on it and felt bad that he did it in front of Kyle. But, at the same time, he was upset with Kyle, so he didn’t feel all that bad. “Why would you say that?”

“Because something changed with you and it was after you met with him.” Kyle hugged his arms across his chest and lowered his tone. “Do you want to do something with that? I know we are exclusive now, but I would be a hypocrite if I said you couldn’t explore what you are feeling toward him.”

“I’m not. Why? No!” Dan felt himself losing it more and the words were harder to get out. “I’m not. Why would you even say that?”

“Because!” Kyle shouted back. Hugging himself tighter, he looked toward the television and the movie that they were likely not going to watch now. Lowering his voice, Kyle looked back to Dan. “Something has been off with you and it clicked back once you met with him.”

“It isn’t that.” Dan shook his head and took a few steps closer. Opening his phone again, he turned it toward Kyle to show him the messages between Dan and him. The messages that talked about his video and how Dan thought it was brave. “It is this.”

“You want to be with him?” Kyle squinted his eyes at the screen and saw that it was a text chain from the guy from the internet. “You said he was strictly a mate and that it would be gross to be with him.”

“Oh my God.” Dan took his phone back and threw it toward his jacket. And then regret it because he didn’t have anything to fidget with. Pulling on his shirt and then his nonexistent hair, Dan took a deep breath. “No. It isn’t like that.”

“When what? Please, I’m obviously dense about this, please just tell me.” Kyle saw the distress and wanted to rub Dan’s head to help him, but it didn’t feel right given the fight they were in. Or whatever this was. “What is wrong?”

“I never thought I would want to tell people, but maybe I do?” Dan crossed his arms and gripped the sides of his shirt to hold his arms in place. “Liam is never going to have to ‘come out.’ Like, it won’t even be a thing for him. Dan, he came out to the world and he got millions of views. Love, support, and all positive vibes. Even after being a shit about it in the past. I dunno. Maybe I want that for me. Us. Not the praise, because ew, but being open about it.”

“You want to tell people you are gay?” Kyle took one more step closer and rested his hands on the top of Dan’s arms. He could feel him tensing and then releasing as his fists gripped his shirt.

Dan had always been opposed to the idea of making it officially known. Mainly because he thought it was no one’s business and stupid that he would even have to mention it when straight people do not need to declare their sexuality to the world.

“No.” Dan shook his head. Because he really didn’t. He didn’t want to go through all that. He didn’t want the attention and the questions. He wanted to be like Liam and just not have to do anything. “I don’t want that attention. I just want, I dunno. People to know and not ask me about my girlfriend. Or dumb shit like that.”

“You want people to know but you don’t want to tell them?” Kyle asked, rubbing his hands up and down his arms, feeling Dan’s arms start to relax. “You want me to tell them?”

“No, you ass.” Dan moved in closer and buried his head onto Kyle’s shoulder so he didn’t have to have his eyes on him anymore. Releasing the grip on his shirt, he transferred it to the back of Kyle’s shirt and hugged him closer. “I really just want it not to be a thing anymore. Something I don’t have to think about.”

“So-”

“If you fucking tell me to just not think about it anymore, I will choke you.” Dan pushed himself back from Kyle and went to move away.

Kyle pulled him back in and moved his arms around his back to hold him in place. “Not what I was going to say. I was going to say let’s not be so secretive about it. Be like Liam, not have to ‘come out’ but people will know.”

“How do we do that?” Dan relaxed into Kyle’s embrace and closed his eyes. This conversation was long overdue but Dan knew why he had avoided it. It was exhausting to be this open and exposed about his feelings.

“By not thinking about it.” Kyle laughed until Dan pinched his side. “Ouch, fucker that hurt.”

“I warned you.” Dan pinched him again and felt Kyle step away from him.

“No, you said you were going to choke me, not fucking hurt me!” Kyle yelped as Dan took another step closer. “Hey, no fair.”

“So do something about it.” Dan smirked as Kyle’s face reacted to his words. Kyle’s hands reached for him and he moved back before there was contact.

“Dan.” Kyle moved his legs out a bit and held his arms up, waiting to see how he would move. His basketball days were still good for something. “Be careful.”

“Try m-” Dan started but was tackled back into the sofa by Kyle. Kyle climbed his way onto Dan’s lap and soon they were in the same position as when they were on the floor, only reversed.

Kyle found his lips and his hands moved to take back off the clothes that were returned.

_ **It is weird. Things changed, mostly for the better, but it is all just the same at the same time.** _

_ **I still have Phil and our life.** _

_ **But, I feel more free with myself. Like I can do what I want now without feeling like someone is going to jump out at me and say “SEE! I KNEW YOU WERE GAY!!!”** _

_ **Sorry it took so long to reply back to you. Im kind of a big deal right now. A lot of people messaging me and trying to contact me.** _

_ **But, I recommend. You know, if you want.** _

_ **I recommend.** _


End file.
